Tales of Vesperia: Flynn is a little bitch
by trollven
Summary: All you really need to know about this fic is that YURI'S PENIS IS THE SECRET TO UNLOCKING TIME TRAVEL. But it only works while he's boning Flynn.


This is a fanfic I wrote for my friend for her birthday. Quite simply, _Tales of Vesperia_ as a plot makes no gorram sense to me. What was the bad guy trying to achieve? Why did Flynn have a contact on him? What was Estelle trying to tell him earlier? Who is Zagi and what was he trying to kill Flynn for? Why does Estelle use her power _**even when people repeatedly tell ****her NOT**** to?**_ Why does the entire plot give way to a giant space octopus made from global warming? Why is the combat winnable entirely with _SHINING FANG SHINING FANG REPEAT_?**  
**

... Yeah. All I understood about this game was that there's these two guys, Yuri and Flynn, who could not be more gay for each other if they tried. There's, like, the George Takei level of awesomegay, the Neil Patrick Harris level of manlygay, the Alan Carr level of campgay... and then there's these two. Good gracious, will they just fuck and get it out of their system? So, yeah. That's the setup. Yuri fucks Flynn because he's a little bitch. Why? **Because _Vesperia_ has no plot**. It got tentacle raped by the fucking space octopus.

ENJOY 8D

(Uh, spoilers and stuff I guess for the end of the game. I don't know. Also, Luke is Darth Vader's father and Harry dies saving Dumbledore.)

_**Tales of Vesperia**_**: Flynn is a little bitch**

A cool wind began to waft over the Lower Quarter and into Yuri's room. The handsome young vigilante woke up with a headache and a piece of morning wood so hard it would have impaled Repede - who was dozing on his chest - if he'd gotten up too soon. This was NOT, as our more disturbed readers may believe, because he had spent all night fucking his dog: but rather because he was expecting to see his loving boyfriend Flynn lying on top of him.

Unfortunately, by the time he had rubbed his eyes awake and reached down to wake up his lover by moving his Riot Horn (the name that Yuri had assigned his penis, for riots always started over who would be the first to be impaled upon it) towards his mouth he found, much to his dismay that there was no skilled tongue to lap at the head. Waking up horrified at the prospect of going a day without his morning blowjob, Yuri threw the covers off the bed (taking Repede with them).

'Flynn!' Yuri commanded, assuming that his little blonde bitch had merely gone to the bathroom. 'Get in here and suck my cock!' There was no such luck to be had, though. After reluctantly dressing himself in his trademark black shirt-waistcoat-thefuckisthateven and trousers that were just small enough on his legs to show off his firmly toned butt (which he casually referred to as "Double Demon Fang", for everyone who saw them got doubleboners - even if they only had one penis), Yuri found that Flynn was gone and a post-it note had been attached to his head.

'You'd think I'd have noticed someone sticking something on the Riot Horn,' Yuri mused: removing the note with one hand and lazily jacking himself off with the other. It read (in extremely bad handwriting, for it was a little-known fact that Flynn was somewhat illiterate): 'deeyur youree fhanc yu four the cecks eyem sorree butt i haf two gou two wohrc nao love yor butt love flinn'

'Fuck that shit!' Yuri bellowed as he ejaculated all over a wall, his sperm creating a remarkably detailed picture of Flynn's butt on the wall. 'Fuck your non-blowjobbing butt, Flynn! I AM GOING TO FUCK YOUR BUTT!'

Yuri then tore off his shirt-waistcoat-seriouslythefuckanimewhatist hateven and ran outside, screaming the name of a god he didn't believe in (Zeus, in case you're wondering).

Now, at this point, the reader may be wondering what the point of having Repede present for this scene was if he wasn't going to do jack. The answer is a most sincere, "Fuck you - he's a dog."

* * * CUE HYPERGAY SCENE CHANGE WITH LOTS OF PINKASS FLOWERS AND SHIT * * *

Flynn sighed while lying naked on his front on his desk (which was no doubt uncomfortable, given that he hadn't removed any of the stationary on it). He was dreamily crossing and uncrossing his legs, resting his chin on his hands and listening to _Lady Gaga_. Why _Lady Gaga_ exists in Terca Lumeries (orhoweveryouspellit) can be answered with a reply of, "It's gay - just roll with it."

'Gee, whillikers, Mister Commandant,' Flynn moaned in a tone of voice that suggested he was getting a blowjob (which he actually was, since Sodia was underneath the desk, but don't worry - we're going to homo it up so much in this bitch that the hetero bitch in question disappears soon). 'I sure do hope nobody bursts into this building to sodomise the shit out of my butts.'

Now, this fanfic takes place after the game so Flynn is already commandant. By the way, spoilers. As if that wasn't obvious enough by the game taking all political intrigue out of the story when it became about a **giant _fucking_ space octopus** and Flynn being automatically right about everything and Alexei turning evil. Also, spoilers. No, wait. **Fuck you and fuck your spoilers**. Any character voiced by D.C. Douglas is clearly going to be evil and if you couldn't figure that out, then you deserve to bend over and get boned up the ass by the Holy Lance (which is what Flynn called his penis, much to the annoyance of the local church of whateverthehelltheybelievein _Vesperia_land).

'TOO FUCKING BAD!' Yuri said as the door swung open.

'Yuri!' Cried Flynn, in a manner that suggested someone had put a finger up his ass (also Sodia, who can't be seen by anybody because she's wearing invisible body paint and is also naked). 'How did you get in here?'

'Oh, I didn't get anywhere,' Yuri replied. 'I just yelled at the door* and it brought me here. I can do that. Because I'm Yuri Fucking Flynn.'

(*Which door that is is entirely up for you to decide. If the writers can't be fucked to explain how Alexei being a massive troll and mind-raping an underage lesbian - don't you dare tell me Estelle is over 18 because to fuck with artistic anime ages - was going to somehow help the empire's... apparently problem with the blastia that doesn't really get explained very well... then I can't be bothered to explain which door Yuri yells at. Why do you even care? He's just here to fuck Flynn. Now, back to the sex!)

'But your last name is Lowell?'

'No, I'm getting it legally changed,' Yuri replied. 'I'm going to punish you for the lack of morning blowjobs with what the name suggests.'

'NO!' Flynn screamed as though he were ejaculating (also Sodia's doing). 'YOU CAN'T MEAN-?!'

'YES!' Yuri roared, his big, manly nipples spinning like whirling fucking dervishes as freezing cold wind whipped around the room and a horde of lesbians began to invade the room. Because it's Yuri Fucking Flynn. Yuri. Fucking. Flynn.

(As in, lesbians fucking Flynn. I have a fuckin' creative writing master's degree and this is what I'm doing with it, bitches.)

Also, Yuri shot eyebeams out of his eyes (wherethefuckelse?) and blew up Sodia's invisible head.

'Why are my pubes on fire now?' Flynn asked. 'And why are there so many girls?'

'Because, Flynn,' Yuri retorted. 'GUY. WAS YOUR FATHER.'

'No shit,' Flynn cocked an eyebrow. 'A dude was my father, I could have told you that.'

'Shut up and prepare yourself for the DIVINE WOLF FLOOD!' Said Yuri as his trousers caught fire and melted away as his penis extended, thwacked against the back of Flynn's throat, and then dragged him over. You know. _Zelda_ hookshot style.

'OMNOMNOM,' Flynn hummed while sucking the dick that Yuri used to cockslap Entelexia with when they were being bitches and not explaining the horseshit story of contradictory hippie bullshit that is _Vesperia_ properly. Seriously, Belius only sees you on a full moon. What the fuck is even with that shit?

Speaking of full moons, because Yuri had not ejaculated in like three minutes (a first for him), he was getting close now and so he grabbed Flynn's head - forced his shaft down his boyfriend's throat - and deposited a flood of cum whiter than the moon down his throat.

'FINALLY!' Yuri cried out. 'Can't fuckin' believe it. It's like, half twelve now or some shit. I missed out on the morning completely.'

'I'm sorry, master,' Flynn struggles to speak through half a pint of jizz in his gob. As he forces himself to swallow it down, because he knows Yuri will dickspank him into a new continent if he doesn't (literally - his penis has super strength), he looks up with these eyes so cute I'm not entirely sure he didn't just freeze time, run off and switch eyes with a puppy.

Needless to say, if he did that, there is one confused ass pet owner right about now.

And now this is the moment where the speakers inside Yuri's anus (because he's too manly to ever let a bitch like Flynn top him) start blaring out that one remix of JENOVA from _Advent Children_. Because that was literally the one good thing in that piece of fuck. It's just like porn music. I'd fuck people to that shit.

Well, yeah, Yuri has the same idea because - fuck - his nipples emit psychic fourth-wall breaking waves of "steal my ideas" and, with this shit playing, he swipes a conveniently-placed Limit Bottle that was on Flynn's desk with his hookshotcock and **_pours it all over the Riot Horn_**. This begins focusing so much blood into his penis that it swells up and glows with this boss-ass fuckin' red aura.

'I'LL BLOW YOU AWAY!' Roars Yuri **as his penis enters Overlimit Level 4**. He spins Flynn around and bends him over so that his butt is higher than the author of this fanshit must be right now. He then proceeds to go at it like a jackhammer and it's all like...

Well, okay.

You know the San Andreas fault?

Well, while we've abused the F-word like the little whore that it is, **FUCK**. **_THAT_**. _**SHIT**_.

Yuri is, like, pounding into Flynn's tight little butt so hard that the vibrations are being felt all across the universe. There's this planet about eighty bajillion years on the other side of the cosmos where the aliens are all, like, deaf and shit and THEY can hear the vibrations! Forget Heracles, **THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE** is making the people of Zaphias think that some asshat is setting off like a bajillion nuclear bombs. Because, right now, that is exactly the feeling. Yuri's penis, when it reaches Overlimit Level 4, has the energy of like _fifty suns_. As he's thrusting into Flynn's anus, you can see steam rising from all fifteen inches of his massively glorious cock. You could get Yuri to fuck a nuclear reactor and he'd be like, solving the energy crisis and shit. The only reason he's not is because, well, why should we start being sensible about fighting global warming now? What with sacrificing all technology everywhere and shizznuts.

So, anyway, Flynn is squealing as Yuri picks up the pace - building Overlimit for his dick faster than the game's mechanics can make him lose that energy. The bitch is like, 'But I thought -I- was the one with the Sonic Thrusts?' as Yuri starts thrusting so hard that he nears the speed of sound.

'Fuck you,' Yuri whispers in his lover's ear while taking a firm hold of his cock and jacking it while thrusting: allowing the natural momentum of his penis inside Flynn's white ass to carry them both through. Well, because Flynn is so much of a bitch that the imperial dictionary replaced the actual word "bitch" with his name (causing all kids everywhere to call their female dogs "Flynns" and confusing the fuck out of the brodogs when it comes to boning season), he cums within, like, ten seconds.

'Heeeeellllp!' Flynn screams out as Yuri keeps pounding his cock with his Tyrant Fist.

'Sorry, Flynn,' Yuri hisses in-between covering his boyfriend's lips with his own. '**I can't hear you over the sound of you being a bitch**.'

Well, the Holy Lance is like... Fuck, I don't know. Let's just say that the shit Yuri is doing to it is like... Jesus would most definitely not approve and I am so going to Hell for this so much that the funnies are like at the maximum...

Fuck it.

Yuri keeps fucking Flynn so hard that now time is fluctuating around his penis. We are talking theory of relativity to the maximum, homie. Einstein is looking down from the pearly abodes and he's like, "**YURI'S PENIS IS THE SECRET TO UNLOCKING TIME TRAVEL**" because that's what's happening. Yuri's dick is thrusting so fast that space-time is warping around these two. Flynn tries to mention how they're being sucked through a wormhole but when the fuck did that bother Yuri **Fucking** Lowell? This man will literally bend Father Time over and fuck him in the butt if he has to. **THIS** is why you don't see Greek Gods, kids. Take your Richard Dawkins-flavoured atheistic bullshit and throw it in the trash. The gods disappeared not because they were never there but because they're all afraid that Yuri Fucking Lowell is going to rape them so hard that space-time distorts. Kinda like now.

A cool wind began to waft over the Lower Quarter and into Yuri's room. Waking up with a headache and a piece of morning wood so hard it would have impaled Repede - who was dozing on his chest - if he'd gotten up too soon. This was not, as our more disturbed readers may believe, because he had spent all night fucking his dog: but rather because he knew that he'd created a time paradox from fucking Flynn so hard.

Meanwhile, two hundred years in the past...

'I'd like ice cream, please!' An eighteen year old virgin Flynn says at the imperial knights' confectionary.

'Sure thing!' Says Ragou and he, like, sticks a spork in a babies' skull and drops some brains on a cornet. Flynn sulks off to be with his bro Yuri and he's like, '... I don't think this is ice cream.'

'No problem, bro,' says Yuri. 'I think I can help you out with that.'

And that's when Flynn stops for a moment and drops the brain-cream because two gallons of Yurispunk from the future paradox'ed its way into his buttonhole.

And that is how Flynn discovered he was gay.

What about Yuri, you ask?

Fuck you, Yuri bones whoever he damn well chooses.

Even himself.

But that is a paradox for another time.

FIN


End file.
